That was our biggest "ah-ha" moment. We always looked it his violent mood swings as something he needed to get control over. We threatened consequences, took away privileges, all of it. Nothing worked. Then, we finally met with a therapist who explained that he really doesn't want to be a bad kid - he doesn't want to break things, he doesn't want to call us bad names and say he hates us. Once we understood this, really understood it, things began to change. I remember asking our son what it was like when he was out of control and he said "it feels like the devil takes over my brain and makes me do bad things". I cried. I never realized how awful it was for him too. Things didn't get better overnight, not by a long stretch, but it did make a huge difference to him to know that we understood that he couldn't control it.
What has made it better for you?